


The Emma fic of the century

by the_kitchenware



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Agender Character, Crimes & Criminals, Lots of it, Nudity, Other, Public Nudity, im sorry, its like completely original, thats sorta the basis for this whole story, this isnt a fanfic for anything, unwarranted use of the word villain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-16 16:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14168592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_kitchenware/pseuds/the_kitchenware
Summary: So many people claim villainy is a hard road to go down, but it turns out the secret is to do everything calmly, confidently, and with your tiddies out.





	The Emma fic of the century

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm sorry. I think that's the best way to start off this work of fiction lmao.  
> Um I've never written violence, as in like actual combat, so just a warning that those parts may be total garbo.  
> This is a story completely devised from just_a_simple___man and _fukurodani on instagram, I just put my own spin on their concept, so full credit goes to the two of them.  
> Also this is for the wonderful cosplayer rainydaysandtiramisu (hi Emma, I'm sorry).  
> Beware, this is gay and a bit trash.

“Put your hands in the air!” A voice yells behind the villain.

Without missing a beat, West calmly stands up from behind the counter and turns to face the security officer pointing a pistol at their face, hands covering their chest. “Oh, of course, officer.” They say and lift their hands above their head, causing the officer’s face to drop a bit.

With that small beat of surprise where his guard is down, they vault over the counter and kick the officer in the face with all their might. He drops to the ground with a loud thud as the villain lands next to him. West kicks the gun away from him and retrieves their abandoned duffel bag from behind the counter, sprinting out the back door of the store. They jump in their car and throw the duffel bag of cash into the backseat, speeding away. Once they get out onto the backroads safely, no other cars in sight, they let out a victorious squeal and fist-pump the air.

The first time they had committed a crime nude was… more or less an accident. They thought the easiest way to get the job done would be to seduce the shop owner, but when they saw the looks of surprise on the police officers’ faces upon trying to escape the idea came to them. Why not do all their crime nude? They’d always been pretty comfortable with their body, so it doesn’t really bother them for so many people to see their breasts. It’s been working well for them so far, though it’s only been a couple weeks since they started it.

Once sufficiently far enough from the location of the robbery, West pulls off into an empty parking lot and grabs a shirt, a pair of underwear, and some shorts they had brought with them and gets dressed to avoid any questions or prying eyes in traffic. Once all their assets are covered, they continue the path back to their house. The trip is uneventful and they arrive home fairly quickly, pulling the car into the garage and taking their duffel bag inside with them. Upon entering the living room, a figure on the couch greets them. Without responding, West drops the duffel bag onto the coffee table in front of her.

“Ooh, another successful run I see.” Ren says with a small eyebrow wiggle. West snorts and drops down on the couch next to her, shoving her shoulder playfully and unzipping the duffel bag. Usually they’d count it in the store so they know they hadn’t dropped any while escaping, but that asshole officer just had to oh so rudely interrupt. They count out the loose bills tediously, acutely aware of Ren changing the tv channel in the background, however their counting gets interrupted by boisterous laughing coming from their counterpart.

They jump, dropping a few bills, and look up quickly to find their censored body on the television, the words ‘BREAKING NEWS’ underneath it. The news cast had taken the surveillance video of the store, and not only that but the clip they chose to use for the news was none other than that of West drop-kicking the shit out of the security officer. They just about drop the money in their hands as they let out a screech. Sure, they’d done some pretty sick stunts before, but they’d never gotten to see a video of it in all their naked, badass glory.

“Holy shit, West, that’s my favorite. That was beautiful.” Ren struggles between gasping breaths, finally coming down from her laughing fit.  
“Oh my god, I need a gif of that.” West adds on, accidentally letting out a not so attractive snort.

“The fugitive is wanted for a string of robbery charges, as well as assault of an officer and multiple accounts of evading arrest. She appears to be in her twenties, with long black hair.” The news reporter drones on.

“At least get my pronouns right, you assholes!” West yells, throwing a fist full of bills at the television, only for them to flutter down a foot or so in front of them.  
“How would they have ever known them, dumbass?” Ren asks, giving her significant other an incredulous look.

“Ah, yeah, you’re right. Next time I need to scream them while running out the door, right? That sounds like a good catch-all.” West says in mock thought and Ren just rolls her eyes at them. “I’m kidding, babe. If anything, that’d just point the authorities to me. I’m glad they don’t know my pronouns.” They drawl, nudging at her hand with their pinky.

“Yeah, yeah.” She mutters with a half-smile, hooking her pinky with West’s.

The news switches over to a sports story, so Ren changes over to Netflix and puts on a movie. She moves closer to West, throwing her legs over their lap, and helps them count the money on the coffee table. Together, they count it fairly quickly, the total being $357.

“Not too shabby.” West comments, taking all the money into their bedroom and safely hiding it in the small safe under their bed. When they head back out, they lay down on the couch, resting their head on Ren’s lap while she has he feet kicked up on the coffee table. The two spend the rest of the night watching movies and enjoying each other’s company.

~~~

West drives through town, searching for their predetermined location of interest, a high-end clothing store. They didn’t choose this store for any specific reason, they try to space out the locations of their heists as to not pinpoint their house in any way.

Well, maybe there was a slight reason. Ren was online shopping the other day and saw a pair of heels she just had to have, but the price was outrageous, so West thought it’d be a nice surprise for their girlfriend if they paid the store itself a visit.

They find the store, one of many in an outlet mall, and quickly try to decide how to go about this. It’s late at night, almost when the outlet mall closes, meaning there aren’t many shoppers. However, there’s still a ton of security officers in malls.

West parks at the back of the biggest parking lot and pulls up the mall’s map on their phone. A quick scan of it reveals that the shop they’re targeting is the third store from the corner right where an exit is, so they head over to that area of the mall and park as close as they can. Luckily, they’re only wearing a tank top, shorts, and flip flops for on the way since it’s been hot, even despite the sun going down. Formulating a quick plan as well as a backup or two, West gets out of the car and walks calmly towards the entrance.

They stare down at their phone the whole time just in case there are any security cameras (which there probably are). They walk into the shop, still staring down at their phone, and hear the telltale sound of the bell on the door signaling their arrival. They look up at the register without lifting their head and notices that the cashier isn’t paying them any mind, playing on her phone. This should be fairly easy then, assuming that the cashier doesn’t decide to check on them. West makes their way to the women’s clothing, looking through things that are about their size and picking out random articles of clothing to carry with them. While they’re walking around, they grab a big looking purse as well as the pair of shoes Ren was looking at. West double and triple checks that they’re the correct size for Ren before heading back to the dressing rooms and setting all the clothes down in one. They stuff the shoes into the purse and then strip out of all their clothes, shoving those in the purse too. Then comes the waiting game. Seeing as it’s almost closing time, the cashier will get irritated if they take a while ‘shopping’ and come looking for them to see what’s taking so long.

Just as planned, about ten minutes later West can hear the clicking of the cashier’s heels. “Um, hello? Are you still here? I need to close, it’s getting late, do you mind hurrying a bit?” She asks. West can hear her walking through the dressing room, probably searching for the one she’s in.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” West calls to her, putting on some sort of accent. “I’ll be out in a sec, but can you take some of the clothes I don’t want? Y’know, to make the process go faster.”

The cashier sighs a bit and her heels continue down to the stall West is in. Remember, they mentally tell themself, be confident and calm and you can achieve anything.

“Yeah, sure, lemme see them.” She’s pretty close now, West just needs to wait a little bit more. The cashier’s heels signal her arrival as she gets to the stall West is waiting in. They take a deep breath and throw open the curtain at the same time as they throw a big wad of clothes in the girl’s face. In the momentary shock as the cashier tries to understand and react, West goes behind them and puts them in a chokehold. The girl’s hands fly up to West’s arms as she tries to get her off, but they hold tight.

Movies always make it seem like an easy job to choke someone out. It. Is. Not. Not only does it take quite a few minutes, but it makes you feel like an asshole. West mentally apologizes a million times until the girl finally stops struggling, out for the count. They set her down carefully, having already done enough harm to her, and sprint up to the register with the purse. Now it’s a matter of time. West doesn’t know how long it takes someone to regain consciousness, but they aren’t taking any chances.

They run a fake checkout, ‘purchasing’ the purse and shoes with cash they don’t have and then removing the ink magnets as fast as possible. Once they finish the fake purchase, they sprint out the door and out to their car, hearing a distant “hey!” from a security guard. They round the corner and sprint out the exit, heading back to their car.

As they’re running they hear yelling to their side and glance over in time to see a group of teenagers whooping and encouraging them, one recording the scene. In response, West sticks their tongue out and punches their fist into the air as they sprint past. They jump in their car and speed off before the officer can even make it out of the outlet mall. They speed off, taking the long way home just in case someone follows them.

The drive, as all their post-heist drives are, is exciting with an underlying layer of unease. They never know if or when they’ll be caught, all they can do is hope for the best and not let their guard down. They get home and park in the garage, sprinting inside as naked as the day they were born with the purse on their arm. Ren isn’t in the living room this time, so West heads to the bedroom and finds her spread out on the bed, a book in her hand.

At the sound of the door hitting the wall as it opens, she looks up, startled. “I think we have this backwards, West, I’m the one who should be naked in this scenario.” She quips with a small half smile, setting her book down on the nightstand.

West rolls their eyes and walks over to the edge of the bed. “Yeah, yeah, that’s not what this is about.” They say, pulling the shoes out of the purse and holding them up for Ren to see. She squeals, sitting up so fast West is worried she’d give herself whiplash.

“No fucking way.” Ren says in disbelief, eyes wide and jaw a bit slack.

West laughs and hands them to her, “Yes fucking way.”

After inspecting them and checking the size, Ren drops them onto the bed and throws herself against West, hugging them tightly and pulling them down onto the bed too. They fall into a fit of laughter, holding Ren happily as she mumbles a million “thank you’s” into West’s ear and presses quick, chaste kisses all over their face. Seeing Ren so happy makes West’s heart soar. They’re so in love with her and sometimes the realization makes them a bit dizzy, but in a good way of course.

A few hours later, much past Ren trying on and modelling her new shoes for West, the two lay in bed with each other. Ren is sitting cross-legged against the mountain of pillows propped up against the headboard while West’s head rests on her legs. It’s peaceful and relaxing and occasionally Ren reaches a hand down to twirl West’s hair or rake her nails along their scalp in a way that has them struggling to stay awake. West is so glad for this oasis of a home they have, especially after today’s events.

West rolls onto their side and reaches for their phone on the night stand. They scroll through twitter for a long while, only half paying attention. That is, until a certain video catches their eye. It doesn’t look like much from first glance, a few teens roughing it up and whatever, so they halfheartedly stop their scrolling to watch it.

It’s dark in the video, the teens are sitting on the edge of a small garden patch. The person behind the camera records all of their friends around them, each reacting as normal teens do when the see the camera is pointed at them. One is quick to hide their face, another throws up a middle finger, a couple of girls squeal and pose.

West is about to scroll past when a loud “hey!” comes from the video. The teens fall silent before they all start yelling and whooping and then the video pans over to a naked figure holding a purse and sprinting for their life. The teens are cheering for them- West- and then when they drive off the security guard comes into view, storming up to the teens, asking if they know the suspect. Then the video cuts out.

“Are you fuckin serious.” West says in a deadpan voice. Ren has sat up now and is watching West carefully. The latter opens the tweet, which has close to 5k retweets within just a few hours and scrolls through the responses tensely. A lot of them are just commenting on their body or asking who it is. They find a link to a Reddit page and click on it, only to find that, in fact, those teens are not the first to post pictures and videos of West committing crimes. There are a ton of videos and pictures, from just about every heist they’ve pulled. What really surprises them, though, is the unconventional outpouring of support they’re receiving on the thread. West sits up straight, shocked and a bit proud, and reads through all the comments of people saying they’re their hero and that they want to meet the naked vigilante.

Ren wraps her arms around West’s waist and rests her chin on their shoulder, also reading the comments. Finally, she clears her throat and sits up too.

“Well,” she says, her voice only slightly dumbfounded. “It looks like you have a fanbase.”

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHAHA A FUCKIN CLIFFHANGER. Not really though, I just had to get this finished and I wanted to keep it open ended in case I want to revisit this later. Thank you to anyone that has read this far instead of noping out halfway through lol, I hope you enjoyed it in all its weird, naked glory.  
> ~ Arden  
> You can find me on instagram @_praecantrix (personal account) or @kitchenwarecosplay (cosplay account)
> 
> Edit: Also I realize now, after some much too late research, that I flubbed the mall scene and that the poor cashier girl is fuckin dead probably seeing as how long West had her in a chokehold. It only takes like 30 seconds to make someone go unconscious apparently, anything longer than that is lethal. Woops.


End file.
